


I'm out of my head, of my heart, and my mind

by Athena_Hono_the_gray_ace



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anakin actually uses his brain for once, Anakin gets the help he needs, Anakin is Bad at Feelings, Anakin learns how to Feelings, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, He's also an overprotective shit, He's also overly confused, He's listening guys, Listen I just needed Anakin to get the help and advice he needs that isn't from creepy old men, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Obi-Wan can be a devious little shit, Obi-Wan does, Obikin Big Bang 2020, Someone give Anakin a hug, The Jedi Council continue to fuck up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:03:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24243259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Athena_Hono_the_gray_ace/pseuds/Athena_Hono_the_gray_ace
Summary: “Sometimes it felt like Anakin was losing control of his life. There was this anger in him all the time. He was so...tired of everything.”Or-The fic where Anakin takes the time to slow down and listen to the people around him (that aren’t Palpatine), learn a bit about himself, address his very obvious mental health struggles, and maybe find the happy ending he deserves. Oh, and the Council continue to fuck up majorly.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 32
Kudos: 358
Collections: Obikin Big Bang 2020





	I'm out of my head, of my heart, and my mind

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This has been a work in progress for a while and I'm excited to announce I was part of the Obikin BigBang 2020! I had this idea long before joining the bigbang but then I took it and ran with it! 
> 
> I'm super excited about this and I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Potential Warnings: Panic Attacks, Slight Dissociation, Self-Hatred, mention of adult grooming towards young child, mention of canonical death and events.

* * *

_Each and every day, hiding from the sunshine._

* * *

Sometimes, it felt like Anakin was losing control of his life. There was this _anger_ in him all the time. He was so… tired of everything. 

His relationship with Padmé had failed and dissipated. She was tired, too. The war had worn so deeply on both of them. Distance became their relationship’s best friend. Time together was scarce in dangerous times. Soon, they both realized that their love was a different kind of love. They cared deeply about each other, no doubt, but it wasn’t in a romantic sense. Anakin cherished her deeply, but he was mature enough (shocking, he knows) to recognize he no longer loved her the same way he used to. In fact, he wasn’t even sure he loved her like that in the first place, mistaking deep infatuation for love. She was a valued friend however and they still maintained a close friendship.

It was probably for the best in many ways. 

The war itself was tiring. As much as he loved adventure and exploring, he even enjoyed the fights (not a Good Jedi Thing) but all the same, he was so tired of it all. He was tired of seeing his men die around him, men that weren’t even valued by the Republic in the way they should be. He was tired of seeing the Temple slowly lose its occupants to the war. 

He was also so tired of the damned Jedi Code and how hypocritical it all seemed. War changes a person, and he realizes that the stupid Code was hypocritical and unhealthy. Emotions make one sentient. His negative emotions were important, but he can’t let them control him, that’s what leads to bad decisions, the Dark Side. 

Of course, he’s the only one who recognized that, it seems.

Well, except for the Chancellor. But Palpatine was becoming more and more suspicious in Anakin’s eyes. The things he said… they were unnerving and made Anakin uncomfortable. 

(Things like that bordered on Dark Side teaching. He called Anakin; my boy, in a tone that made him want to **run away**.

Unlike when Obi-Wan said it in a soothing voice with darling tacked on, making him feel _cherished_ and _adored_ , not _owned_.

The last person to say it like Palpatine did was his old master, Watto.)

He also didn’t like how the Chancellor seemed to be using him to spy on the Council and the Council returning the favor. 

He just wants this war to end, dammit. 

There was another thing, too. He wasn’t necessarily tired of it, but he just wanted it to be real. Something he could have. A piece of happiness.

In the wake of his and Padmé’s failed relationship, another attachment came to light in his mind.

He was in love with his former Master. The one person whose opinion and ideals he valued above everyone else’s. The one person he respected and adored. He had always suppressed it. He knew it would never be returned. He remembered looking at Obi-Wan with awe in his eyes when they first met. If Padmé was an angel, otherworldly and impossibly pretty, then Obi-Wan was a nebula, bright and startlingly beautiful. Anakin had been too scared to say anything like he did for Padmé. But he remembers thinking Obi-Wan was even prettier than Padmé, who was already _super_ pretty. Obi-Wan had glowed so brightly and Anakin was starstruck; even to this day. Anakin realized now, that because of how powerful and sensitive he is to the Force, he could see Obi-Wan’s aura and strength in the Force. The man was beloved by the Force nearly as much as Anakin himself was. The man may have not had as many midi-chlorians as Anakin, but the Force did dearly love Obi-Wan.

When everything went down and he became Obi-Wan’s padawan, he learned how to respect his master. His master had even had a long discussion with him, about what their relationship was defined as. That he was not a slave anymore and he even told Anakin he never needed to call him Master when they were alone, only in public. 

He appreciated that. So much. His master was kind to him even though he himself was suffering and hurt from the loss of Qui-Gon. He was a precious jewel, someone of value and so full of love. Someone the universe had broken a bit. So he called him Achik Munai, when they were in private. He was happy, it was endearing to him. 

Obi-Wan had been amused by it and had asked what it means, but Anakin had laughed and ran off saying it was a secret.

Now they were both older and to his knowledge; Obi-Wan still hadn’t learned what he had been calling him all this time. His bright love. Though he had stopped calling him that as much, it only slipped out on occasion, to Obi-Wan’s confused delight.

Even as a child, Anakin loved Obi-Wan. Though as he got older, the feeling changed, deepened in a different way than a familial or brotherly love. He remembered having to hide his feelings from Obi-Wan through their training bond (and his embarrassing inappropriate thoughts). He had been mortified to learn Obi-Wan still felt them, but the man was never angry about it. He still hid it now that his feelings have resurfaced. If Obi-Wan had noticed him shielding parts of his mind more than usual, he didn’t say anything. But sometimes Anakin swore he saw Obi-Wan falter as if he wanted to say something. Anything. 

They were growing distant. The Force was displeased and Anakin had no idea what to do. 

He was so tired. And life was spiraling out of control. 

“Maybe you should see a mind healer,” Padmé said when he brought his messy life up to her one day when he was actually planetside for once. 

He was confused. “A mind healer?”

Padmé nodded. “They have different names depending on the planet and race, but they are people who are trained to listen to your issues and help you sort them out. By giving advice and helping you realize the root of the issues.” 

Anakin hummed. “That sounds… so helpful.” The Jedi have never mentioned such a thing to him. Maybe he should bring it up to Obi-Wan… Though he really wasn’t sure how the man would react to it. The Council were very insistent that releasing your issues to the Force will help and Obi-Wan had always seemed that way as well.

“Plus, there’s doctor-patient confidentiality; they won’t tell anyone anything unless they feel you are a danger to yourself or to others.” She smiled gently at him. “Some specialize in war trauma.”

“Maybe I should see one...”

“I think it would help you, Ani. I can find you one.” 

“Thank you.” 

* * *

Before he could even go see a mind healer, he and Obi-Wan were sent on a mission. Again. What’s new? Anakin sighed as he watched the 212th and the 501st scramble about the hanger. Ahsoka approached him, concern written all over her face, though she seemed hesitant to say anything at the same time. “Hey Skyguy, you don’t look as excited as you usually are for a mission.”

Anakin shrugged. "I’m just tired, I guess.”

Ahsoka’s eyes softened. “I think we all are.”

“I was considering seeing a mind healer,” Anakin said. 

“A mind healer?” Ahsoka asked, cocking her head slightly. “What’s that?” 

“Well, they’re people who are trained to help heal your mind. You can talk to them about your issues and worries and they help you handle it.”

Ahsoka cocked her head. “But why would you need one, Master?”

Anakin laughed bitterly. “Meditation is difficult for me, and no matter what the Council says, it’s not the same for everyone.” He looked at her. “Don’t tell them I said that.” 

She giggled. “Okay, I promise!”

He smiled softly at her. “Plus, the war has worn on me. Padmé thinks I probably have war trauma.” He sighed. “That’s something I don’t think meditating can help with no matter how much the Council insists otherwise.” He paused. “Okay, also-"

“Don’t tell them you said that?” Ahsoka smiled “I got it, Master.” She then got a determined look in her eyes. “Well, I support you! And I’ll help you anyway I can!”

He patted her head. “That means a lot to me, Snips.” 

* * *

_Ain’t no fairytale, what I see in your eyes_

* * *

Well, the mission was, overall, a very stupid one.

A kidnapped diplomat, run of the mill; but of course, it _had_ to go wrong.

The diplomat, as it turned out, had been trying to get some money out of the planet because for whatever reason the planet, Yunov, wasn’t supporting their diplomats very well. So the poor diplomat decided, “Hey! Let’s hire some thugs to kidnap me! That’ll work!”

It didn’t. 

The Separatists had instead gotten a hold of the diplomat, so of course Anakin, Obi-Wan and Ahsoka got to deal with the bullshit mess.

They lost more troops than Anakin liked. When the war started, he had to stop himself from wincing every time he felt a clone die. He hated it. He hated that the clones were basically slaves to an effort they had no stake in, even if it was saving planets. 

Obi-Wan had been eyeing him off and on since they had returned to orbit, the diplomat thanking them over and over again. Anakin wanted to throat punch them _just_ to get them to shut up. Well, wherever their throat was, it was kinda hard to tell in their anatomy. He could see Ahsoka in the corner next to Rex and Cody, rolling her eyes. 

Anakin could relate. But he had to keep his face straight, so as not to offend anyone. Namely the dumb diplomat who decided to get themself kidnapped.

Obi-Wan cleared his throat. The diplomat finally paused, allowing him to speak, and alleviating Anakin’s ever-growing headache from the situation. “Of course, it was no problem, Diplomat Qimnith.” Oh, right the diplomat had a name. Anakin had honestly forgotten, too annoyed with the situation. “If you would like, we can offer you private quarters to rest from your experiences.” Obi-Wan offered. 

The diplomat nodded, starting up the ‘thank you’ in a rapid fashion. There was a twinge of annoyance that slipped past Obi-Wan’s shields and the man barely kept the pleasant facade he’d plastered on and Anakin tried really hard not to laugh. Two clones (Anakin felt really bad for them) escorted the diplomat out of the bridge. Obi-Wan sighed and dragged a hand down his face.

Ahsoka burst out laughing. Anakin couldn’t help his own laughter. 

From Obi-Wan, there was the fading annoyance from the diplomat situation and a growing amusement at the duo. “Well, that certainly was… something,” he said. 

“I believe that’s an understatement, Master,” Anakin said.

Obi-Wan looked at him carefully. Anakin was trying to figure out why the hell the man kept eyeing him. Obi-Wan hummed and looked at Ahsoka and the rest of the troops. “Well, I suppose we should all get some rest on the way back to Yunov.”

Anakin fucking needed it. 

Ahsoka immediately ran off as soon as she was dismissed, much to the amusement of everyone else. Anakin didn’t blame her. While Obi-Wan was distracted, Anakin decided to sneak off to his quarters to sleep himself. 

He made it out of the bridge, but he felt Obi-Wan’s questioning prod at their bond. 

Dammit, he wasn’t that sneaky.

He sent reassurance back and then slipped into his own quarters. He really hoped the older man wouldn't come looking for him. He didn’t know how to talk to him about anything serious right now. 

He was just coming out of the fresher when there was a knock on his door. Oh. _Shit_. That was probably Obi-Wan. “Come in!” he called.

Obi-Wan entered, eyeing him carefully again. Why the fuck was he doing that so much? The older man sat on Anakin’s bunk, arms crossed, silent. 

Anakin fidgeted where he stood. “Can I help you?”

“You’re not fine,” Obi-Wan said simply. 

Dammit.

Still, he tried to play it cool. “What do you mean?”

“Anakin. Don’t bullshit me.” There was a crinkle in his brow and a shadow in his eyes.

Well, okay then. Obi-Wan was serious.

Anakin shrugged. “What do you want me to even say here?”

Obi-Wan’s face softened, his eyes crinkling. “I’m worried about you. You’ve been growing dimmer.” He leaned on his knees, his face twisted into something Anakin didn’t recognize. Anakin didn’t like it. He didn’t know what it meant. His wishful side insisted it was something more than simple concern, but Anakin didn’t want to listen, it was impossible after all. Obi-Wan’s hands melded together as Obi-Wan stared Anakin down. “And for someone with as vibrant and large of a Force presence as you, it’s very concerning.”

Anakin remained silent. 

“Anakin, please.”

“What do you want me to say?” Anakin snapped. “I don’t even know how to explain it!”

Obi-Wan’s brow furrowed. “Anakin-”

“What am I supposed to tell you, Master?” Anakin interrupted. “That I’m spiraling out of control? Nothing makes sense anymore? My life doesn’t feel like mine?” He clutched at his arms, trying to feel something again, ignoring the glowing alarm on Obi-Wan’s face. “That I’m just a tool to be used? I can’t protect people correctly.” He looked at a wall, fingernails digging into his skin, he barely felt it. He just felt numb. What a _stupid_ _perfect_ little Jedi he was now. “I can’t do anything right. I’m useless. I’m-” He felt like something was stuck in his throat, a heavy pressure in his chest. He felt weightless and heavy at the same time. He scratched at his arms. Did he see red? He couldn’t see. **_He couldn’t see._** **He couldn’t breathe he couldn’t hear he couldn’t-**

“Anakin.” Obi-Wan’s voice cut through the haze. Anakin scrambled in the Force, he couldn’t find his master? Where- 

Suddenly, there was overwhelming warmth and Anakin felt himself calm slightly. A hand smoothed over his hair, fingertips scratching at his scalp and he realized that Obi-Wan was holding him. A face pressed against his temple and soft affection and calm radiated in the Force. Anakin realized the Force around them was twisted with his dark emotions. He blinked at the harsh lights around him. 

“Oh my darling boy, I’m so sorry,” Obi-Wan said, gentle and warm. His master had practically _smothered_ Anakin’s Force presence with his own. He almost couldn’t sense himself, other than his lingering panic. And Anakin knew _that_ was a feat in itself. He heard a whimpering noise and realized with a start that it was from him. Obi-Wan made a shushing noise. “My dear, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you.”

It wasn’t Obi-Wan’s fault. It’s not his fault Anakin is just a mess. Why is he apologizing?

“‘s not your fault,” Anakin mumbled into Obi-Wan’s tunic. “‘M jus a mess, ‘m sorry.”

Obi-Wan huffed, Anakin liked feeling the motions of it, along with his master’s steady heartbeat. “It may not be my fault that you feel this way, but it _is_ my fault I have not been here for you as you have needed.” Obi-Wan ran a hand down Anakin’s spine and Anakin felt himself melt into the touch. He felt completely boneless in Obi-Wan’s gentle hold. “There you go, my darling boy. Just relax a bit, I’m not going anywhere.”

Anakin sobbed. “‘M sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry darling, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

* * *

_Sneaking in the pain, every truth becomes lie._

* * *

During the trip to Yunov, Obi-Wan didn’t let Anakin out of his sight for more than a few minutes. Anakin normally would complain, but he knew that Obi-Wan was more stubborn than him when he wanted to be and wouldn’t budge on it. And Anakin was just so tired and _maybe_ he _liked_ the attention. Ahsoka had been sneaking him concerned looks and he realized with a jolt that the poor girl likely felt his panic. He knew his presence was strong in the Force and his unshielded, strong emotions could be felt by most Force sensitives. When he was younger, Obi-Wan had to teach him stronger shielding than normal for most padawans. He wanted to apologize to Ahsoka, but he also didn’t want to answer her questions.

She isn’t stupid or naive, he knows that. But he just wants to spare her from his dark thoughts.

Eventually, they touched down on Yunov and dealt with the really annoying diplomat. Anakin was very close to strangling them. Everyone was glad to leave Yunov behind.

As they got back into open space, preparing for the jump to hyper-space to return to Coruscant, Anakin decided to finally attempt to escape Obi-Wan’s watchful eye.

He made it to his room and entered it, breathing deeply. 

Obi-Wan was finishing up the last details of his report to the Council, so Anakin had a few moments to collect himself. 

Or - attempt to.

He inhaled deeply and sat on his bunk, burying his face in his hands. Obi-Wan’s behavior was odd and Anakin wasn’t sure how to feel about it. His heart couldn’t take that. Really, what he should do is try to lessen contact with Obi-Wan, to hopefully grow out of this stupid infatuation, but he knew that would never happen. 

Anakin really couldn’t imagine a life without Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan’s presence was grounding, soothing and healing. As a kid, Obi-Wan tended to wrap his presence around Anakin’s when he was distressed or upset. He had stopped doing it as much when Anakin got older and Anakin suspected that it was his own fault. He pulled away from Obi-Wan, not the other way around. Honestly, that was the first time in a long time Anakin had felt the depths of Obi-Wan’s mind again, he usually only barely scratched the surface. Which was saying something, since he was powerful in the Force.

But Anakin was pretty sure that if he ever lost their connection, the remains of their bond, he would lose it. Or at least, become very unstable.

And he dreaded to think about that. It probably wasn’t a very healthy reaction to death.

The Council would surely throw a fit if they found out just how strong Anakin’s attachment to Obi-Wan really was.

Anakin flopped back on his bunk. This was a mess. A prod at his mind alerted him to Obi-Wan’s approach so he sent back reassurance and as much calmness as he could muster. He knew his freak out worried Obi-Wan, but he wasn’t expecting this kind of reaction. A few minutes later, Obi-Wan was entering the room, holopad in hand.

“How are you feeling?” his master asked, looking up from his holopad.

“Fine,” Anakin responded.

Obi-Wan’s eyebrow quirked and his mouth twitched. “Are you sure about that?”

“.....no.” 

Obi-Wan sat gently on the bunk next to him, setting his holopad aside. He stroked Anakin’s hair. “Would you like to talk about it?”

“Would you be mad if I said no?”

Obi-Wan’s eyes softened. “No, dear one, no I wouldn’t. Would you like me to stay here?”

Anakin wanted to say no but… he felt a sudden need for Obi-Wan to hug him and tell him everything would be alright. “Can I have a hug?” Honestly… he was expecting a no.

Obi-Wan chuckled. “You’ll need to sit up, my darling boy.” 

Anakin scrambled to sit up and launched himself into Obi-Wan’s open arms. Obi-Wan’s fond amusement seeped through their bond as Anakin sank into the warm embrace. 

His mind quieted as he lingered on the edges of Obi-Wan’s mind, soaking up the serene quiet. He nuzzled into Obi-Wan’s chest as Obi-Wan ran his hand through Anakin’s hair. 

He felt safe. For the moment.

* * *

_Awaiting your mistake, not too close, not too far_

* * *

Anakin wasn’t looking forward to the Council report. He had a bad feeling about it. “Master?” he said. 

Obi-Wan looked at him. “Yes?”

“I have a bad feeling about this report.”

Obi-Wan’s eyes narrowed and he moved infinitesimally closer to Anakin. “Well, let’s see what happens.” A hand wrapped around Anakin’s shoulders and somehow Anakin felt small. “Let’s go shall we?”

Obi-Wan didn’t remove his arm until they stood at attention in the center of the Council room. Anakin wanted to hide from the barely disguised glares some of the Council were giving him. Anakin was shocked though, to feel barely hidden anger trickling into their bond from his master. “Master Obi-Wan,” Master Windu said. “Knight Skywalker.” The way he said his name held more disdain than usual. Was it because of the affection Obi-Wan was showing him? Or was it because he fucked up again?

Anakin really couldn’t help the hurt that ran through him at the tone of Master Windu’s voice. A surge of anger raged through their bond and Anakin knew it wasn’t from him.

“Master Windu,” Obi-Wan said, surprisingly calmly for the anger coursing through him.

“Good job on rescuing the diplomat,” Master Windu said. “However, Skywalker was risky from what the reports said.”

“Almost cost the mission, he did,” Master Yoda said.

Anakin felt like a youngling again, holding back sudden tears.

Obi-Wan blinked slowly. “And if he didn’t, both Padawn Ahsoka and I would be with the Force.” He narrowed his eyes. “It was a risk, but I don't find fault in it. Is that all or may we go?”

The Council looked satisfyingly chastised at Obi-Wan’s words as Obi-Wan led them both out of the room, anger coursing through his side of the bond while Anakin's held sadness and shame.

Anakin wanted to laugh through his barely-there tears, Obi-Wan was having none of their shit apparently.

* * *

_Cause I can feel how your flesh now is crying out for more_

* * *

“Fear, we do,” Master Yoda said. “That these rumors of the Chancellor are true, yes.” 

“So, what should we do?” Obi-Wan asked, eyeing them all carefully. He had been called in for an emergency meeting as soon as he and Anakin landed, but when he arrived, the Council seemed divided on something. He really hoped he wouldn’t have to place a deciding vote _again_. That was honestly getting exhausting.

Master Windu and Master Yoda looked at each other, faces solemn, as the other council members avoided looking at Obi-Wan. Well, that wasn’t a good sign. Master Windu cleared his throat. “We have an idea.” He looked… almost afraid to say it.

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow. “Then do tell, I’m really not enjoying the mystery.”

“Fake a death, we believe, the best way is,” Master Yoda said. “To go deep undercover, yes.”

“I’m assuming you mean me, judging by the fact nobody wants to look at me.” 

“You are the youngest of the Council,” Master Windu said. “It would be the most believable.”

Obi-Wan’s eyes narrowed. “What’s the catch?”

“Tell Skywalker,” Yoda said. “We will not.” 

Obi-Wan froze. 

“The plan is to have you assassinated,” Master Windu continued. “And we need a witness.”

“So,” Obi-Wan began, barely containing his fury. “You want me to fake my death, to go deep undercover to determine the details on the Chancellor’s potential abduction, and not tell Anakin or Ahsoka.” Who are extremely close to me and would be devastated went unsaid, but Obi-Wan was sure it was heard in his tone and blank face. 

“Yes,” Master Windu said, shifting uncomfortably. “We believe it is the best choice in this situation.”

Obi-Wan inhaled deeply. “No.” He then walked out of the council room, leaving the room dead silent. 

* * *

“So let me get this straight,” Anakin said when Obi-Wan had finished. Obi-Wan nodded solemnly. “The Council wanted you to fake your death to get intel on an abduction plan… and you said no?”

“Yes. That is what happened,” Obi-Wan said. 

“Why?” Anakin asked. “It’s a reasonable plan that could work.”

Obi-Wan sighed. “Because you wouldn’t be in the loop.”

Anakin felt his world stop. “W-what?”

“They wanted to keep you out of the loop. Use our bond to sell my death.”

Anakin wanted to throw up.

There was a distressed noise and it took Anakin a minute to realize it came from him. 

“Oh, my darling boy,” Obi-Wan crooned. “Come here.” He opened his arms and Anakin numbly buried himself in them.

“How could they?” Anakin whispered. 

Obi-Wan nosed at Anakin’s temple, hand on the back of his neck, brushing through the messy hair there. “I don’t know, but I wasn’t willing to go along with it. You don’t deserve that, I don’t deserve that, Ahsoka doesn’t deserve that.” 

Anakin nodded into Obi-Wan’s chest, emotions whirling around him. He felt Obi-Wan prodding at his mind, wanting in just a little bit. Anakin hesitantly let the older man in, worried he’d see Anakin’s immense feelings and immense darkness and _wrongness_. But the older man didn't delve, he just sat there on the edge of Anakin’s mind, plucking the whirling emotions available to him and untangling them. 

The older man hummed, Anakin felt the vibration in his chest. “We sacrifice too much to this war already. We do it every day. I’m tired, you’re tired. Neither of us deserve to be used like that. We’re already used enough.” 

Anakin wanted to _cry_. That’s exactly what he felt?

Obi-Wan was feeling it too?

“I thought I could trust them, even though they hate me,” Anakin whispered the words that were always circling his mind.

Anakin was pretty sure he heard Obi-Wan’s heart **_break_ **at that statement. 

“I thought I could too.” Anakin felt more than heard, the words muttered into his temple.

He was pretty sure Obi-Wan could hear _his_ _own heart_ break at the statement.

Because if they couldn’t trust the Council, who could they trust but each other, Ahsoka, and their men?

Anakin didn’t remember falling asleep, but he dimly remembered soft words of affection and a calmness in his mind he hadn’t experienced since the return from Yunov.

* * *

“Obi-Wan,” Master Windu said when Anakin and Obi-Wan finally emerged from their shared quarters to find Ahsoka. The older master was waiting outside their quarters, likely about to request entrance. Anakin couldn’t help the flare of fear that rose up in him. Anakin felt the protective surge in response from Obi-Wan, who tugged him closer, hand resting on Anakin’s hip. 

“Can we help you, Master Windu?” Obi-Wan asked blankly. 

Master Windu looked at Anakin, eyeing Obi-Wan’s grip on Anakin’s hip (it was rather strong and Anakin wasn’t sure he could break free easily, not that he wanted to) then turned back to Obi-Wan. “May we speak in private?” 

“If it’s about what we discussed with the Council then no, you can say whatever you have to in front of us both.” 

“Obi-Wan,” Master Windu said. 

“You really thought I wouldn’t tell him?” Obi-Wan asked, voice sharp. Anakin was shocked Obi-Wan was talking to Master Windu this way. “Unlike you, I do value the bond I share with Anakin and I will not treat him that way. Nor will I treat Ahsoka, who is still a youngling in many ways, that way.” Obi-Wan’s face was hard. “You can either get someone else to do it or figure out a better plan. I will not do that.” Obi-Wan tugged on Anakin’s hip as he turned them both around and walked them straight back into their quarters, the door closing in Master Windu’s face. 

Anakin was reeling. “Master…?” 

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan responded simply as he sat them down on the couch, hand leaving Anakin’s hip. Anakin felt strangely cold as his master distanced himself. 

“Couldn’t we work something out, since I know now?” 

Obi-Wan’s face hardened again. “No. I won’t force you to act like I’m dead either, especially if they insist that Ahsoka stay out of the loop.”

“Master…” 

Obi-Wan moved Anakin’s bangs out of his face. “I know you’re worried about the Chancellor. But I won’t betray you or Ahsoka in that way. The Council will figure something out.” His eyes glittered. “They’ll have to.” 

Anakin hesitated. “I’m actually not that worried about the Chancellor.” 

“Oh?” Obi-Wan said, a tilt to his head.

“He’s…” Anakin began then fell silent. 

“You don’t have to tell me dear one, if you aren’t ready.” 

Anakin shrugged. “I’m not sure what to make of it really.” He paused. “The Chancellor makes me uncomfortable now, and I don’t know why.” He looked at his hands. “But I’m afraid to refuse visiting him for too long.” 

“Would you like me to be a barrier?” 

“I don’t want you to get in trouble either,” Anakin said. “I feel like something horrible would happen to us if I refuse.”

Obi-Wan frowned and ran his hand through Anakin’s hair, untangling it. “Oh my darling boy, we can figure something out.” 

“He calls me ‘my boy’ like, like-“ Anakin ducked his head. “Like Watto used to.” 

Like he _owns_ me. 

Obi-Wan’s face was blank and his hand in Anakin’s hair tightened minutely. “Well,” he said darkly. “I have an urge to do something I really shouldn’t.” 

“Master!” Anakin was shocked.

“Dear one,” Obi-Wan said. “We will figure this out.” He pulled Anakin to his chest, all Anakin could hear was Obi-Wan’s heartbeat, steady and soothing. “If you don’t feel comfortable around him, we will make sure you have to be around him as little as possible.”

Has Anakin mentioned he loves Obi-Wan yet today?

* * *

_Wandering in the shade, not too old, not too young_

* * *

Anakin felt like he was falling apart. One of his only supporters was gone.

Just _gone_. 

Obi-Wan stood behind him quietly. Anakin could feel his sorrow. And in that minute he was struck by the realization that Obi-Wan had lost her too. 

“I’m going to miss her,” he said quietly.

“I am too,” Obi-Wan replied. It sounded like there was something broken in his tone. Like he was falling apart and desperately trying to hold himself together. Anakin _hated_ that thought. 

“I feel alone again.” I can’t trust them. Was what Anakin was really saying.

Obi-Wan touched his shoulder. “I promise you Anakin, I am here for you.” A gentle tug turned Anakin towards Obi-Wan and he was shocked to see tears forming in his eyes. “I promise.” Obi-Wan whispered. You can trust me, were Obi-Wan’s unsaid words. I don’t trust them either, whispered across their bond.

Anakin hugged him. 

Obi-Wan hugged him back, just as tightly.

It was later that Anakin would overhear Obi-Wan say to Master Vos, a waver in his voice, that Obi-Wan felt like he had lost a daughter.

Anakin had to go to his room and cry, because he understood that so well.

Because that’s _exactly_ what happened.

* * *

_I’m out of my head, of my heart, and my mind_

* * *

“Ani. You need to talk to someone,” Padmé said. Anakin looked up at her from his spot on the couch. Where he didn’t have his face buried, thank you for asking. 

“I’m fine.” Anakin said.

Padmé gave him a look. Shit. She huffed. “You’re not.” She moved around the low table and sat on the couch, dutifully moving his stupidly long legs. “Anakin, you haven’t been okay for a long time. We talked about it months ago. I keep reaching out to you about having found you a mind healer but you keep ignoring that.”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Don’t bullshit me. You've been even worse since Ashoka left.”

Anakin buried his face in the couch cushion again.

“You know she’s okay.”

“She doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“She needs time, Anakin.”  
  
“I know.”

“Now about that mind healer…”

Anakin groaned.

* * *

“Where are you going?” Obi-Wan asked from where he was lounging on the couch, reading a holopad. Anakin froze half-way to the door. Obi-Wan wasn’t trying to be accusatory, Anakin knew that much, but he didn’t really know how to tell Obi-Wan where exactly he was going. Padmé had set a date for meeting the mind healer and wasn’t taking no as an answer, and she knew he was planetside for a while. So he was going. He just didn't know how to tell Obi-Wan. He was expecting the older man to say something along the lines of meditating his issues away. 

“Anakin. I can practically hear you thinking from over here. Calm down Anakin. It’s okay.” 

Anakin looked at his feet.

Obi-Wan hummed. “Will you be safe?”

Anakin looked at him. Obi-Wan looked concerned but not upset. His brow was furrowed and the holopad was now on his lap. The sunlight from the window seemed to outline him and he _glowed_ and Anakin was once again struck by his master’s beauty. Anakin jerkily nodded. “Yeah. I will be.”

Obi-Wan smiled fondly. “That’s all I need to know.”

Anankin blushed and absolutely did _not_ panic run out of their quarters.

He made his way out of the temple and headed for the place Padmé said the mind healer had their office. It didn’t take long but he couldn’t help but think about how it would go. What was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to act? Anakin was really going into this blind. He made it to the building and entered. There was a human male at the desk, typing something out on a holopad. Anakin slowly approached him and cleared his throat.

The male jumped slightly. “Oh! I didn’t hear you come in!” He smiled. “How can I help you?”

“Uh, I’m here for an appointment with Dr. Styn?"

“Oh!” The male hit his forehead. “I don’t know why I didn’t recognize you. It’s an honor to meet you, Master Skywalker.” 

“Ah. Just- just Anakin is fine,” Anakin said. He really didn’t feel like explaining that he wasn’t. A master. He felt awkward enough.

“I’ll let Dr. Styn know you’re here! They should be out soon.” The male quickly stood up and entered a back room. 

Anakin inhaled quietly, trying to quell his nerves. 

“Hey!” The male popped his head out. “They’re ready for you! Come on in!”

Anakin nodded and entered the room. The male exited as soon as he entered and Anakin took the time to look around the room. It had a couple comfy looking couches and a small desk. Shelves filled with plants and books were all over the lilac walls. The mind healer was sitting on one of the couches. They pushed up their glasses and grinned at him. “Hi! Come sit down! I’m Dr. Styn, but you can call me Nassi.” 

Anakin nodded and sat gingerly on the other couch. He eyed the mind healer, sensing that they were Force Sensitive. Probably helped their job honestly. 

“You’re nervous,” they said, likely sensing Anakin, he _was_ projecting a bit by accident. “I don’t bite. I promise.”

Anakin grinned a bit at that. “Yeah. Sorry. I just don’t really know what I’m doing.”

“Don’t worry. Nobody actually knows what they’re doing. They just pretend to,” they said. Anakin stared blankly at them. Nassi giggled a little. “Sorry, my humor is weird. Anyway, as for what to do, don’t worry.” Nassi pushed their black bangs out of their face. “You can say as little or as much as you like for as long as you want to see me. Padmé said you needed some help but weren’t sure how to get it.” They tsked. “The Jedi aren’t the best about it. You aren't the first Jedi I’ve had as a patient and you won’t be the last.”

The last sentence sent Anakin for a loop. “I’m not?”

“Nope!” they said. “Jedi suppress too much, so I’m never surprised to have one in my office.” Nassi paused. “But don’t worry, this is a safe space. Anything said here will not be passed to anyone else. You can speak your mind here. Unless I think you are in actual danger, or a danger to someone else, I won’t say anything. It’s doctor-patient confidentiality.” 

“What do you mean by danger?” Anaki asked.

“By that I mean, suicidal. People who are suicidal can behave in different ways.” They looked at him. “From what little Padmé told me - don’t worry she didn’t tell me much - I don’t _think_ you are. But it’s my job to make sure you’re safe and help you best you can.”

Anakin nodded hesitantly. 

“But honestly Anakin, this is a place you can speak as little or as much as you want. I’m not expecting to hear much this session. We’re just meeting after all. If you want to tell me anything, I’m here to listen. But we can talk about whatever you want. You drive this conversation.”

Anakin swallowed. “I do have a question.”

“Of course! Ask away.”

“What do you mean by Jedi suppress too much?”

Nassi hummed. “Jedi are taught to let go of their feelings, release them into the Force, correct?”

Anakin nodded. “The goal is to be as unbiased as possible when doing our job.”

Nassi tsked. “And it’s absolutely the _worst_ way possible.”

“What?”

“Suppression is _absolutely horrible_ for sentients, especially humans. You can’t just take your feelings and place them in a tidy box and pretend they don't exist, or will them away. That’s not how it works, hell, it even destroys people at times. Emotions are messy, they’re confusing, they’re illogical at times, but they make you _who you are_. They’re your body and your brain’s way of explaining something is going on and they are always valid and needed. Suppressing them and not talking about them, especially when they’re negative; can have horrible, even traumatic, effects on someone.” Nassi’s eyes softened. “Emotions aren’t bad, Anakin. Don’t be afraid to have them. I know the Jedi teach otherwise, but I actually find it bullshit. I honestly don’t know how they’ve survived this long. How can a sect claim to have compassion and empathy for the galaxy, if they don’t let themselves have it?”

Anakin was floored. 

“Sorry. I just have many feelings about the Jedi’s teachings.”

“It’s not that I’m offended,” Anakin said. “It’s just… I’ve thought that too, maybe not in so many words or as well thought out but,” he scoffed. “I’m a failure in the Council’s eyes. I’m too emotional. It doesn’t matter what I think.”

“I’ll say it again, emotions aren’t bad. Don’t be afraid to have them,” Nassi said. “And Anakin, you aren’t a failure for having emotions or for not living up to an impossible standard. I can guarantee all of the Jedi have emotions and things they can’t will away. Nobody can do that. Nor is it _healthy_ to do that.” They looked Anakin in the eye. “Anakin, you’re human. You’re allowed to feel things.”

“I’m also too attached,” Anakin said. “I’m not supposed to be.” 

“Again, another impossible standard. Very, very few people can live without attachments. And those people are very sick and need help. Generally, people unable to have attachments, have a part of their brain that isn’t working how it should. Anyone’s brain can not work properly, gods know mine doesn’t a lot, but these people need help only trained professionals can give.” They shook their head. “It’s impossible for sentients to not be attached. Sentients get attached to inanimate objects, it’s literally impossible for no attachment.”

Anakin really didn’t know what to say. 

“It’s okay to feel things. It’s okay to be attached,” Nassi said. "The problem is when it's dark and twisted attachments, unhealthy possessive and controlling behavior. That's more along the lines of abuse. As far as I know of the Jedi, and what I've heard from my patients, that is not something clarified, it's just more often than not, forbidden all together."

“I think,” Anakin said, licking his suddenly dry lips. “I always knew that, but I never felt I could.”

“And that’s okay."

“Is- Is it wrong to be in love?” Anakin asked quietly. “With someone who would never return it.”

Nassi shook their head, eyes soft. “Never.”

Anakin hesitated. 

“You don’t have to say anything more, Anakin, it’s _okay_.”

“No,” Anakin said. “I think I need to. It’s been in my head so long.”

Nassi remained quiet.

“I’m in love with my former master. And I don’t know how to handle it.” Anakin laughed bitterly. “I rushed into my last romance. It was just stupid infatuation. It meant _something,_ but not something to build an entire relationship that would be strained anyway.”

“First, I commend you on realizing that about your previous relationship. Not many people would. It’s good you got out before things hurt you or your partner in the long run. But now I ask for clarification,” Nassi said. “By former master, you mean General Kenobi, correct?” 

Anakin nodded.

“He seems like a good man, Anakin. Obviously, I don’t know him as well as you, but from what I’ve seen on the HoloNet, he cares deeply for you.”

Anakin shrugged. “I guess.” He paused. “Five months ago, I’d probably disagree with you. Not that I ever thought he didn't care, just that he didn't care as much as I wished he would.”

“What changed?”

“He asked me what was wrong one day. And I just lost it on him,” Anakin said quietly. “I can’t really remember what I said, I just remember seeing red, it was all I could see. I couldn’t hear or breathe - but suddenly everything was quiet.” Anakin looked at Nassi. “I can tell you’re Force Sensitive, so maybe you’ll understand what I mean, but he smothered my presence in the Force with his own.” He shrugged. “And honestly, that’s a feat in itself, I'm well aware of how strong I am in the Force, Obi-Wan has called me blinding and overwhelming before, but not in a bad way. It’s just my presence.”

Nassi nodded. “You are quite bright, I don’t have much training, but I did pick up some things, especially having Jedi patients.”

“That’s impressive in itself.” 

Nassi smiled brilliantly. “Thank you!”

Anakin smiled back a bit, but let his face relax again. “But that’s not all he’s done?”

“Oh?”

“He turned down a mission that would help get information because it would hurt me in the process.”

“You don’t need to tell me details, I assume they’re confidential?” Nassi said.

“Yeah,” Anakin said. “But he came and told me. And then when I freaked out like a dumbass-”

“You’re allowed to feel,” Nassi reprimanded gently.

“Right. Yeah.” Anakin cleared his throat. “When I freaked out, a normal human reaction to being told a group of people you’re supposed to trust wanted to use your bond with one of the only good people in your life in a horrible way.” Nassi cringed at that. Anakin powered forward, he was on a tangent and _upset_. “He just held me? He then accessed our bond, with permission of course, and slightly entered my mind; just to untangle it so I could relax. He didn’t pry further and just calmed me down.” He frowned. “I think that’s the calmest I’ve been in a long time.”

“He seems like he cares a great deal about you, Anakin.” 

Anakin shrugged. “I guess.” 

Nassi hummed and looked at their holopad. “It’s been an hour, do you wanna continue or wait for another session?”

Anakin hesitated.

“Remember, this is all your call Anakin,” Nassi said. “It’s up to you, I have an open schedule today if you need more time.”

“I think,” Anakin said. “I wanna have another session.”

“We did talk about a lot today didn’t we?"

“Yes.” 

Nassi smiled. “It was a pleasure. Why don’t we discuss some ideas for future sessions then send you on your way?”

“Okay.”

* * *

Anakin entered his and Obi-Wan’s shared apartments feeling a bit lighter. Nassi had given him their contact info so he could com anytime he’d be planetside for a long enough period to have a session. They also encouraged him to message them about anything he felt he needed to.

Guess he owed Padmé a thank you, and some of her favorite chocolates. He really felt like this might help. 

“Oh, Anakin you’re back?” Obi-Wan said as he exited the fresher.

Anakin nodded. “Yeah.”

“Where did you go?” Obi-Wan asked, almost hesitantly. “If I may. If not, that’s totally fine.”

Anakin looked at his feet. “Uh… I went to see a mind healer.” Might as well just get it over with. Anakin knew Nassi could help him and he would continue going to see them. 

“A mind healer?” Obi-Wan said, cocking his head slightly. “I think that’s a wise choice.” He hummed. “I should see one myself.” 

“You… you agree with me?” Anakin said. “I thought you’d just say to meditate or something.”

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan said. “I saw you have a breakdown that I am still terrified to think about, even months later, because I am deeply concerned for your well-being. I can tell you’ve been struggling even more so since Ahsoka left, but I can see you’ve brightened again, even if it’s just a little bit. Of course I think it’s a good idea.” He scoffed. “Mediation doesn’t fix everything, though I personally do find it pleasant and soothing for my own mental state.” 

“But I didn’t even know what one was until Padmé mentioned it to me.” 

Obi-Wan scowled. “The Council doesn’t even talk about them since we’re supposed to just release everything to the Force. Which I personally think is a horrible choice, especially after training you.”

“Me?” What the ever-loving fuck does that mean? Anakin was a bit worried, he knew he could be a failure, but if he had to hear Obi-Wan say it outright, it might crush him.

“Mediation is very hard for you, I think we both know this. Talking to someone, or at least guided meditation, seems to help you balance yourself,” Obi-Wan said. “I have no doubt in my mind you’re not the only one.”

“They said they’ve had Jedi patients before.” Anakin said, relieved. Thank the Force.

“I’m not surprised,” Obi-Wan said. He smiled gently. “Since you’ve reminded me, I should look for one as well.” He hummed and turned for his room. “I’m glad you’re taking this step, Anakin. Good night.” His footsteps echoed down the hallway.

Anakin stood there for a few minutes, processing. 

What the fuck was that?

* * *

_Cause you can run but you can’t hide_

* * *

“Can I tell you something?” Anakin said, nerves all over the place. Force, he was really going to do this. Nassi said he needed to in their session last week when he was planetside again, a few months after his last in person session. He and Nassi did decide to try digital sessions and they did help _immensely_. He breathed in softly to calm his nerves. Well, try to. He needed to be honest with himself and with Obi-Wan, so he needed to tell the truth. 

“If Obi-Wan is the man I think he is from what you’ve told me and what I’ve seen,” Nassi had said. “Then he will forgive you and love you regardless. You aren’t a bad person, you made poor decisions, but so does everyone else, there’s a way of coming back from this.”

Obi-Wan looked up from his holopad on the other couch. “Of course, Anakin.”

Anakin could feel his confusion and growing concern at Anakin’s nerves.

“Anakin?”

Anakin inhaled. “I need you to promise to not yell at me.”

Obi-Wan nodded, eyes concerned but soft. 

“I did something bad.”

Obi-Wan remained quiet.

“You remember my mother died… right?”

Obi-Wan inhaled sharply. “Yes. Killed by Tusken raiders.”

Anakin nodded miserably. “The thing is… I wasn’t completely honest with you about that.” He felt tears coming to his eyes. “So I’m being honest now. I found the camp where they had my mom. _I held her as she died_.” The tears were flowing down his cheeks now. Obi-Wan made a distressed noise, holopad now on the couch, arms hesitantly out as if he was reaching to hold Anakin. “I can’t remember anything after but…” 

He looked at his hands, not wanting to make eye contact with Obi-Wan who would surely reject him. “But when I came to myself, everyone was dead.”

Including the women and children, went unsaid, but completely heard.

“You flew into a rage,” Obi-Wan said quietly. “And touched the Dark Side.”

Anakin nodded, still not looking up.

“Oh my darling boy,” Obi-Wan said. “I’m sorry you had to carry this burden.” 

Anakin looked up at him in shock. All he could feel from Obi-Wan was sorrow, care and _understanding_. 

“You didn’t like that feeling, did you?”

Anakin shook his head. “No. I felt slimy and gross afterwards.”

“Exactly,” Obi-Wan said. “Anakin, the Dark side isn’t bad.”

Anakin eyes widened. “W-what?” What universe did Anakin wake up in?

Obi-Wan hummed. “Well, in the way we know it, yes it is. But it isn’t inherently. It’s a tool, a dangerous and powerful tool that is _not_ easy in the slightest to use and can be a slippery slope to cruelty and evil if one isn’t careful.” He looked Anakin in the eyes. “What you did was slide a bit down that slope, you didn’t balance it, and that’s why it felt so disturbing and distressing.”

Obi-Wan sounded like he was speaking from experience.

“Master,” Anakin said, carefully. “You sound like you speak from experience.”

“That’s because I do.” 

Anakin was reeling. “W-what? When?” 

“When I killed Darth Maul.” 

“The hooded red person?”

Obi-Wan nodded. “I know you knew of him in theory, but I wasn't sure you remembered him.”

“I kinda do.” Anakin said. 

“But yes,” Obi-Wan continued. “I used the Dark Side to kill him. Anakin, I loved Qui-Gon as if he was my father. I was _devastated_ and so _angry_ he died. I was angry he died in front of me. I was so angry I could only sit there helplessly and watch. I am not ashamed to say I used the Dark Side to do so, I used a tool that gave me the strength I needed in a hard situation. What I am ashamed of however, is how far I went, and not in the right way.” He sighed deeply. “I felt gross and used for weeks. I slid down that slope and I felt disgusting. I felt unbalanced and hurt. I was already hurting from Qui-Gon’s death, but then I had used the Dark Side in an inappropriate way.”

“Then you had to deal with me,” Anakin said, voice small.

“Anakin, I fought tooth and nail for you to be my apprentice. I had very little power or say, barely knighted as I was. I fought so hard. It took me threatening to leave with you for them to agree.”

Anakin was shocked. “You threatened to _leave_?” Obi-Wan loved the Order and what he did, so Anakin knew that was a meaningful statement. 

“I would’ve done it too,” Obi-Wan said. “And I think they realized that when Master Windu walked into my quarters to talk to me and saw me in the middle of packing everything I could, you sleeping on the couch.”

“Holy shit…” Anakin muttered.

“Anakin, there is nothing in this universe I adore more than you. I obviously haven’t expressed this enough and that is my fault. I will endeavor to remind you from now on.”

Anakin was pretty sure he was blushing now. He owed Nassi thirty credits now, _Force_.

Obi-Wan looked a little smug at that. But his face turned serious again. “During all that however, I was struggling to rebalance myself, both mentally and how I felt in the Force. I felt I couldn’t go to the Council on it, I feared they’d take you away and I couldn’t let that happen. So, I searched for ways, desperate to balance myself again. It was then I turned to my old master’s notes on the Gray Jedi.” 

“Gray… Jedi?”

“They walk the middle path,” Obi-Wan said. “They use both the Light and the Dark Side. They spend all their time trying to balance themselves and their power. They are very powerful beings. Qui-Gon believed that path was how we were truly supposed to use the Force. So in my spare time as the years went by, I spent my time trying to learn about and live that way, while also blindsiding the Council by being their poster boy.”

“Master, you are very devious,” Anakin said.

Obi-Wan grinned. “I try. But Anakin, do you understand what I’m saying?” 

“I...I think?” Anakin said. “I’m not sure.” 

Obi-Wan stood up and crossed the distance between them, kneeling in front of Anakin, holding his hands gently. “You lost a battle, but you are winning the war. Did you like how you felt?”

Anakin shook his head in revulsion.

“Do you regret killing the women and children who had no part in anything other than being part of that clan?”

Anakin nodded. “I do.” He then scowled. “The men? Not so much.”

“I don’t blame you, Anakin. They did have an active part in the kidnappings and raids on Tatooine.” Obi-Wan stroked Anakin’s hand. “You lost a battle, my darling boy, not the war. Just remember how you felt, and strive to never slip down that slope again. And dear one, I believe you will never slip that far again. We both know what we've done is not good, but we can strive to move forward regardless.” 

Anakin burst into tears as Obi-Wan pulled him into a hug. Anakin tumbled to the floor on top of him, burying his face in Obi-Wan’s neck.

Anakin didn’t even realize that there was a possibility he could come back from this? Nassi said there had to be, but he didn’t believe them. He wasn’t sure he could fully believe Obi-Wan yet, but at least, at least he knew Obi-Wan cared deeply for him.

Obi-Wan stroked his hair. “I adore you, my darling boy. You’re trying your best and I’m so proud of you.”

* * *

_Somewhere far away, I hear your call_

* * *

“I’m being sent on another mission,” Obi-Wan said as he entered his and Anakin’s shared quarters. 

“Just you?” Anakin asked, a tilt to his head, from his spot on the couch. “I mean, that’s not...unusual…”

“But we both have been very adamant about not being separated since Ahsoka left.” 

Anakin’s face hardened and he looked away. “Yeah.” 

Obi-Wan sighed. “I’m sorry Anakin, it hurts me too.”

“I know…” He looks at his hands. 

Obi-Wan walked over and kneeled in front of him. “Anakin… my darling boy…”

“I really can’t come with you?”

Obi-Wan shook his head. “I tried to get that, but the Council said it was the Chancellor’s orders. That I was best suited for it. It is a precarious situation from what I heard in my debrief.” He sighed. “I’m supposed to go in alone.”

Anakin frowned. Of course it was the Chancellor. “They need the Negotiator?” he teased, instead of saying what he really thought.

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan said, voice tight. “A youngling has been kidnapped. High profile.”

Anakin’s eyes widened. “Why the fuck are you going by yourself? Shouldn't there be an extraction team?”

“I don’t know.”

Anakin swallowed. This was suspicious... “Master. Can I ask something?”

“Of course,” Obi-Wan said, no hesitation. The man has been far more open lately, and Anakin had to admit he enjoyed it.

“When the Chancellor first took an interest in talking to me… how much did the Council fight on it?”

Obi-Wan scowled. “They didn’t even fucking try.” 

Anakin blinked at the sudden rush of fury Obi-Wan had. “Master…?”

“They let him have unfettered access to you, and I could do nothing,” Obi-Wan said. He looked hesitant. “I have always refrained from commenting on it to you, because you enjoyed having someone else to talk to. Someone who didn’t treat you with barely hidden disdain like your peers or the Council.”

“I wish you had," Anakin said. “I… I’ve been thinking about that lately and this whole thing brought my thoughts back.”

Obi-Wan sat next to him on the couch, gently taking his hand. “Oh?”

“Why would an older man take such an interest in me? Even if I did blow up a space station and saved his home planet,” Anakin asked. Obi-Wan’s face was unreadable but his shields were barely containing his concern. “Nassi pointed it out to me. He had unfettered access to me, he could do anything and nobody could stop him. And then I thought about everything I did with the Chancellor... “ He paused as he felt Obi-Wan’s anger rise. “And then I thought how I’d feel if someone did that to Ahsoka.”

Obi-Wan let out an angry noise that Anakin could only describe as a growl. 

Anakin swallowed again. “Master, he was basically grooming me. And since I’ve been thinking about it… it makes me worried about any of his direct orders to the Council, who seem to bend over backwards for him.”

Obi-Wan’s grip was tight. “You’re worried this is a trap.”

Anakin nodded.

“It probably is,” Obi-Wan said. “I’ve noticed that any missions I’ve been on solo that are direct orders from the Chancellor, seem to end poorly.” 

Anakin swallowed again then shock fled through him as he realized something. He grabbed Obi-Wan’s arm. “Master...what if he’s trying to kill you?”

“The thought crossed my mind, yes,” Obi-Wan said. “I just can’t figure out why he would want to.”

“ _Master_ ,” Anakin said, terrified now. “We knew the Sith Lord has a lot of influence and power in the Senate right? What if he has all of it? What if the Sith Lord is the Chancellor?”

Obi-Wan’s eyes widened. “Force…” He cursed. “I was always suspicious of him but this…”

“Master, you know what that means right?"

“He’s controlling the war,” Obi-Wan said, then looked Anakin in the eye, eyes burning with anger and Force signature wrapped tightly around Anakin’s. Despite his fear, Anakin somehow felt perfectly safe, surrounded by Obi-Wan. “And he wanted you to join him.”

Anakin felt tears coming to his eyes. “I don’t want that! I don’t want to feel that anymore!” 

Obi-Wan brought Anakin’s head to the crook of his neck as he slid his fingers through Anakin’s hair, making soothing noises. Anakin had been mildly terrified of the feeling he felt after his mother’s death and he just… didn’t wanna ever feel that again.

He didn’t wanna leave his master. “I’m coming with you. I don’t even care,” Anakin said. 

“Anakin…”

Anakin shook his head furiously. “No! I’m not taking no for an answer.”

Obi-Wan’s mind curled around his. “Of course, dear one.”

Anakin felt his mind soothe at Obi-Wan’s gentle touch. He was so tempted to just… let Obi-Wan in. 

Nassi said he should.

Anakin was tired of hiding. So he opened his mind wide, letting his shields down. Obi-Wan gasped as Anakin felt him flood into his mind.

Force, it felt so good? Anakin felt like he was floating from the soothing presence of his master. He melted into his master’s arms. Anakin projected his feelings of love and adoration to Obi-Wan. 

Moment of truth.

Obi-Wan’s arms tightened around him and Anakin felt a hand run through his hair, tugging slightly in question. Anakin leaned with the tug and was met with his master’s gentle affection in his mind and adoration in his eyes and smile. “Oh my darling…” Obi-Wan said. “You feel so much for me?”

Anakin hummed lightly, still floating in the mental embrace of his master. He felt so soothed and calmed. His mind felt quiet, no storm anymore. He hadn’t felt his master this strongly in such a long time, when he began pulling away. Obi-Wan smiled a bit and tugged at his hair again. “Your mind is lovely, my dear.”

Anakin felt like purring, eyes closed.

“Come here.” 

Anakin followed his master’s guidance and found his lips covered with his master’s. He lit up in delight at the sensation of his master gently persuading Anakin’s lips to move with his own. All too soon it ended and Anakin almost whined in distress, but Obi-Wan trailed light feathery kisses up Anakin’s cheek and down his neck. He shivered at the bristles from Obi-Wan’s beard. It tickled a little.

Anakin was in paradise. It was perfect.

“I love you too, my darling boy.” Obi-Wan said. “I adore you so much.”

Don’t leave me? Anakin whispered into their minds. 

Never. Obi-Wan assured. 

Anakin was so in love. He felt on top of the world.

He felt like everything would _finally_ be okay.

* * *

_I won’t trust myself when I hear your call_

* * *

Obi-Wan did end up going on the mission, much to Anakin’s chagrin. But to the Council’s, he followed. 

Anakin wouldn’t forget Obi-Wan gently pushing Anakin aside during his call to give the Council a piece of his mind about sending him in solo for such a high profile case, Chancellor’s orders or not. He then asked why the Council, something considered a sovereignty in the eyes of law, would bend head over heels for the Chancellor, no matter how much power he had. 

He hung up the call with a demand for backup. 

Obi-Wan turned to Anakin, bond open and eyes warm. 

Anakin felt loved.

They were gonna save this kid no matter what.

* * *

_I’m gonna make you mine_

* * *

Upon returning home, the youngling saved (her name was Vera, a young Sephi, and she was an actual sweetheart who deserved none of this), they discovered the Republic in disarray. 

“What in Sith hells happened?” Anakin asked. 

Obi-Wan shrugged. “Who knows, let’s go report in?”

“Is it bad I’d rather go crash in my bed for a good twelve hours?”

Obi-Wan paused. “No, you’re right, that sounds better.”

Anakin felt he was gonna be able to convince the man to cuddle him.

Twelve hours later, Anakin awoke to his com chirping at him as Obi-Wan groaned into his neck. Anakin sent amusement over their bond, getting grumpy fondness in return; and managed to roll over and grab his com, blinking at it. 

Padmé? She sent him multiple messages. He opened them and sat up abruptly, disturbing Obi-Wan who grumbled at him and rolled over to bury his face into the pillow. 

“Obi-Wan,” Anakin whispered.

“What.” Obi-Wan said flatly. 

“Palpatine was exposed as the perpetrator of the war.”

Obi-Wan shot up. “For real? I thought we’d have to do some undercover shit or something.”

Anakin snorted, Obi-Wan, despite what you would think, did not enjoy waking up. Especially after a long or stressful mission. “Padmé sent me the news, she feels betrayed about it.”

“Understandable. She did view him as a mentor.”

“But yeah, apparently the Council uncovered an order programmed into the clones to kill all of the Jedi, it was exposed to the public and despite the low public opinion of the Jedi, it raised a lot of suspicion towards Palpatine. The Jedi were out risking their lives for the Republic, so most people were concerned the Republic leaders would wish to kill them. So investigations were launched and it was revealed he was puppeteering the whole war from both sides.”

“Force, I can’t imagine how the clones feel.”

Anakin nodded. “Padmé and a bunch of others in her circle are fighting for them to be freed from the inhibitor chips and be given work and citizenship in Republic worlds.”

“What happened to Palpatine?”

“Uhhh apparently he tried to bust out and it was revealed he was a Sith. The public doesn't really know what that means; but they knew he was not a good Force user and tried to kill people, so he was executed by order of the Senate.”

“Damn,” Obi-Wan said, burying his face back in the pillow. “Why does this feel so anticlimactic?”

“I don’t know, but Force am I glad.”

“This means we go back to bed. I’m still fucking exhausted,” Obi-Wan grumbled and tugged Anakin into his arms.

Anakin laughed.

* * *

_Every night again, dancing with the moonlight_

* * *

A year later, after everything was said and done, Anakin smiled at his master as they sat under Naboo’s stars in a large field. He reached for his master’s hand. “Do you regret leaving the Order?”

Obi-Wan returned the smile and brought Anakin’s hand to his lips, the hairs of his beard brushing against Anakin’s knuckles. “Never.”

Anakin felt his resolve and love echo in Obi-Wan.

He finally felt at peace.

He still had a lot to work through, Obi-Wan as well, but he finally felt that the storm in him calmed for good. Only a few clouds come and go.

This was freedom, what his mother wanted for him.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So to clear up a few things;
> 
> I didn't want to do another expose Palpatine fic, that wasn't my focus. My focus here was Anakin getting the help he needs because he is a fucking mess. Obi-Wan kinda wrote himself and he is a fucking little shit and I love it. Obi-Wan and Anakin's relationship, as well as Anakin's mental state was my focus, not dealing with Palpatine. However, I did feel it necessary to mention just how fucked up giving Palaptine unfettered access to a child would be. 
> 
> Also to talk about the counselor part, I chose to have Anakin talk rather quickly about some things because that was my personal experience with a good counselor. I had met her a couple times before any sessions and she was good and I knew she wouldn't say anything or judge me. That's why Anakin is so quick to talk to Nassi, because he's tired of bottling things up and here's someone who's going to listen to him and not share it and doesn't have any ulterior motives other than help him take care of himself (since at that point he's uncomfy around Palpabitch and doesn't know how to talk to him anymore). For some people that's not how they work and that's okay. 
> 
> More clarification on Gray Jedi Obi-Wan and Anakin's moment of weakness with the raiders. Both Obi-Wan and Anakin know what he did was not okay, same with what Obi-Wan did to Maul, despite him being a bitch, they both know that those actions are not okay. However, they both recognize that they were bad choices made in an instant with reaction to the situation. Neither Anakin or Obi-Wan (or Nassi for that matter) are excusing the behaviors, but they are forgiving each other, and eventually themselves for what they did. People kill people in hard situations, its not okay. It's never okay, but the reality is that sometimes bad things happen to misguided or hurting people. Both of them were hurting and made poor choices in reaction to that hurt. They now have to live with that burden the rest of their lives, all they can do is move forward. The fact that they feel remorse and guilt over it, is a sign they aren't horrible people. This isn't advocating that murder is okay, it's not, but it's explaining the choices made here and why they were able to comfort each other.
> 
> For Gray Jedi Obi-Wan, tell me that man couldn't be one. He totally would, especially with the reasoning he mentions in here. Sir gives no fucks.
> 
> As well, I am no expert on the toils of war, but I have studied psychology a bit (not an expert but I know some stuff and I experience my own PTSD and depression), so all of this may not be how someone would react, but it could be. I wanted to focus on this. 
> 
> Further notes; I really do like the Council and the Jedi as a whole, and I know Lucas has stated he believes their way of life is correct. And while I think to some extent, it is, a lot of the way its portayed in any Star Wars media, is not wonderful. Nassi honestly stated a lot of my feelings towards the idea of Jedi values. 
> 
> Yes, not all of the characters in Star Wars are human, but since the creator is human, there’s human values applied here. 
> 
> Humans cannot function without emotions or attachement. We literally get attached to fucking roombas ffs. There is however unhealthy, dark, overly-possesive and controlling attachment, and THAT is what Anakin struggles with in canon, partly bc he has fucking TRAUMA that Nobody seemed to Address. The way Star Wars media, fanfics included, portray attachment, forget this. 
> 
> I love the Council, and I know they actually did deeply care for Anakin, but it’s kinda my headcanon they were hard on him as a Padawan, and as the war came and everyone began to make difficult choices and weren’t always out there in the fights, the way they handled things got worse. 
> 
> LIKE YES LETS USE A VERY OBVIOUS CLOSE BOND TO SELL A DEATH AND NOT TELL THE MOST POWERFUL JEDI WE HAVE WHOS PRONE TO STRONG EMOTIONS BC UNADDRESSED TRAUMA! 
> 
> And well, Palaptine. 
> 
> Further, I came up with the idea that Jedi wouldnt really use counselors bc magic force powers. I like the idea they do have them but for this fic, they dont. 
> 
> (Also does anyone else get ADHD vibes from Anakin or am I projecting again?)
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoyed! Leave a comment or a kudo, I love those!


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